bad day

enough said.............

it's been too long

I guess when 2 people ask what happened to this venture it's time to write. It's not like i really thought that anyone was really paying attention. Can you tell it's been a piticularly bad week?? OK a few months. It comes in spurts. It was my mom who really made it hit home. As I was watching something on T.V. and someone commented about marriage and all I could do is think, yeah right. It was the bitterness in my own head that made me stop and gag. I was beginning to be just like her. I can't I JUST CAN'T!!!!

If I do anything but change her brief, she gives me "that look". The one that is so disapproving. I don't know what approval looks like from her. You might think, what the hell is she doing taking care of her mom. I'm still not sure. I know it's the right thing. I know that this all started that way. I know that somewhere in my mind I was hoping for resolve, repentance, or that illusive something. The thing is that even that phrase, illusive something, gives way to the unknown. The thing that may not be attained. Am I sounding to Virginia Woolf? Well perhaps that's just me. I just want to be not, well suicidal.

Each morning I pray that I can make her comfortable, well fed, and keep her brief as clean as possible. Her words are less, and the confused speech more and more. I try to get her to sit up to eat and she scoots down until what looks to be so UNcomfortable, I feel badly for her. But no matter what I do, she scoots down. Her legs are drawn up, her muscles atrophied and becoming so thin. What can I do. I turn her, I even try and some kind of conversation with her and still nothing. Food in, poop and pee out. That's all there is. This is, this blog, for me is what some may call cathartic, but I'm not sure.

I want to share what makes me make it through the day, this move to Arkansas, this being alone, so very alone. Well even that didn't work. Something happened and I can't post a picture of Jordan. She is the reason. I thought I would share.

Perhaps tomorrow I can post her picture

almost her birthday

it was hard to put this one on here, but she did eat ALL the cheesecake and I don't know why the camera makes her look so red and blotchy, honestly she's not.

While at church, her sitter could only get her to eat half of a yogurt. Sometimes she is so difficult, with no reason. I waited until the sitter (Kathy) left and got her to eat it in no time at all. But I know all her games and don't play them WITH her all the time. So with all that being said, this is the picture. Cleo and cheese cake.

it's her birthday today

today is her 76th birthday, i bought turtle cheesecake and grandpa's BBQ. I have had quite a marvelous day, but that's for later. This morning I said my normal, good morning, followed by, guess what. The thing is she said "what". She was there for a moment. I know she was. So it's a celebration pork sandwich and chs cake from this gourmet little place that I found a week ago. I wanted to take a picture, but .... maybe later one will come out. Just wanted to say, she was there for a moment, and I was there.

you are right Jackie

I haven't blogged in a while and I should have. There are so many things to write about.

TUNA, yup, tuna. I am discovering what works and what doesn't. She can chew tuna for at least 30 minutes non stop. It must mean that it has some property that she doesn't feel that it is getting smaller so she chews and she chews and she chews. So OUT WITH TUNA !!!

I'm trying to buy a house and am absolutely astonished at how emotional it is. I do remember my mom telling me about when she and my dad bought the house that I really grew up in. It was their third house together and I was 5 and my sister was 6, but for some reason her boss commented that she was off her game. Mom, ALWAYS giving her all to her job was, taken aback. She apologized, and her boss pointed out how emotional buying a house was. It was the first time that she realized she showed some kind of emotion other than what she wanted the world to see. I refuse to be excited about this until I'm signing the documents and the keys hit my hand. There is this realization that I have that part of my mom in me.

Mom had a good day today I think.

Thanks Jackie, I needed to write........ other wise I could say Bitter, party of one.

and the fear sets in

i have an appointment at the bank tomorrow.

The fear is setting in. I have found a house for mom and i to move into, and the smart thing is to NOT take it in the shorts and take money out of the 401k (more than the planned amount). It would be great to get a small mortgage and move in and have a house of our own again. It would be great for my mom (and me) to live in a house that is NOT rented in the final time of her life (months, years, no one knows). Her room would be bigger, my stuff would have a place, the emotions of this abyss that we are in will settle. My fear of failing is overwhelming.

As i fed mom tonight, i am reminded of failing at my second marriage and her saying, "what did you do". You see it's all my fault all the time. When i showed her my bruises of domestic violence she said "what did YOU do" . Now i'm about to go into what feels like a win/loose situation and am feeding her, eyes as i feed her are saying "it's all on the line, prove yourself, but i know you will fail" i want to go in with a positive attitude and prove her so wrong. But then there's me......... and the fear sets in.

My prayers are that i CAN be positive, i have been putting positive energy out to the universe that it WILL happen. I am reading positive stuff, it's close to the appointment and my fear is coming in. How can i NOT let this happen, not let the fear in. I want so badly to be POSITIVE and believe it. All that comes to mind is fake it 'til you make it...

i will

weird day

My never-fail oatmeal, failed this morning. Half way through she just clammed up. It was the day I was to go to church, and she didn't eat. OH CRAP!!! Nic came over to sit with her so that I could go to church, and she WON'T eat. She does that smile that creeps me out, and by the way my sister knows that smile. At least she ate a normal dinner and even dessert. I even think when I asked if she was comfortable and she said no, I think she was communicating with me. I did adjust the bed and asked again, and she just smiled. I'm not sure.

She hasn't talked much these last few days. Not even babbling, is this the real beginning of the end? Am I ready? I don't think so. I tell her that we are moving in a few months, that we will have a home again, one that is ours. NO TRAIN noises. Better neighborhood. Maybe even help with her. Give her a real bath. Something I can't do on my own. Even better food. I didn't bring all my kitchen stuff to this house knowing that I was moving so soon. I miss a nice kitchen with all my "stuff". You never know what you'll miss until it's not there. It's not that I can't cook without it, just that those little things are what you miss. I made a really bad cheesecake (box mix) thinking she would like it. I'm not sure, perhaps it was just a different texture, and cold.

Tomorrow is another day...