you are right Jackie

I haven't blogged in a while and I should have. There are so many things to write about.

TUNA, yup, tuna. I am discovering what works and what doesn't. She can chew tuna for at least 30 minutes non stop. It must mean that it has some property that she doesn't feel that it is getting smaller so she chews and she chews and she chews. So OUT WITH TUNA !!!

I'm trying to buy a house and am absolutely astonished at how emotional it is. I do remember my mom telling me about when she and my dad bought the house that I really grew up in. It was their third house together and I was 5 and my sister was 6, but for some reason her boss commented that she was off her game. Mom, ALWAYS giving her all to her job was, taken aback. She apologized, and her boss pointed out how emotional buying a house was. It was the first time that she realized she showed some kind of emotion other than what she wanted the world to see. I refuse to be excited about this until I'm signing the documents and the keys hit my hand. There is this realization that I have that part of my mom in me.

Mom had a good day today I think.

Thanks Jackie, I needed to write........ other wise I could say Bitter, party of one.

and the fear sets in

i have an appointment at the bank tomorrow.

The fear is setting in. I have found a house for mom and i to move into, and the smart thing is to NOT take it in the shorts and take money out of the 401k (more than the planned amount). It would be great to get a small mortgage and move in and have a house of our own again. It would be great for my mom (and me) to live in a house that is NOT rented in the final time of her life (months, years, no one knows). Her room would be bigger, my stuff would have a place, the emotions of this abyss that we are in will settle. My fear of failing is overwhelming.

As i fed mom tonight, i am reminded of failing at my second marriage and her saying, "what did you do". You see it's all my fault all the time. When i showed her my bruises of domestic violence she said "what did YOU do" . Now i'm about to go into what feels like a win/loose situation and am feeding her, eyes as i feed her are saying "it's all on the line, prove yourself, but i know you will fail" i want to go in with a positive attitude and prove her so wrong. But then there's me......... and the fear sets in.

My prayers are that i CAN be positive, i have been putting positive energy out to the universe that it WILL happen. I am reading positive stuff, it's close to the appointment and my fear is coming in. How can i NOT let this happen, not let the fear in. I want so badly to be POSITIVE and believe it. All that comes to mind is fake it 'til you make it...

i will