so much to say, but i can't

so that leaves me in an awkward place.

how much can she hold

she starts the day with an ensure and today she drank it down. And lunch was oatmeal with fresh strawberries. This is not how much she eats, just think about a third more. The wonderful angel that helps me once a week says she is amazed how much she eats. About a 1/4 of what I feed mom is normal. Marilyn is an RN with many years o knowledge, so I defer to her on these things. The problem is, she takes so long to eat. Sometimes up to an hour. She chews about 60 to 100 times per bite. That also means that she eats cold food. Often I keep half of it in the pan to keep warm. I have elected NOT to have a microwave, I don't like them. So everything is heated on the stove, but think of it, those who have microwaves, after the third "warm up" the food becomes leather. This way the food stays better. I have discovered the secret of keeping the oatmeal warm. DON'T stir it after it's ready, it gets a kind of coating and keeps all below warner. Besides that's her favorite meal. How do I know? She eats it fastest. For me that means 30 mins. For someone else and hour.

We are taking an adventure in herb teas. This month is wild berry zinger. Iced. It's the best so far. So tonight it's the rest of the tube from yesterday broken up in organic eggs. I think giving her as much organic food as possible helps the "system". The home that she was in stated that she would have to have soft food from now on. They were wrong, and she eats 100% every time. Yes i know, it's because I can sit with her for as long as it takes, but she does eat it all, and I'm pretty darn sure that it's because my food is much better. After all, with all my jobs, I an say that i'm a bit of a gourmet cook. Also, I only use the good stuff, like real butter, i grind the pepper and salt. Some may find that part of care not so fun, but I love it, otherwise i could say, bitter, party of one

sausage in a tube

so much to say, and no time at the moment. It was a temp. lapse of judgement, good or bad I'm not sure yet. BUT, with that said, she ate it like a champ. In real life she, she would have loved it. So, I'll go with that.

And thanks Tom and Jackie for encouraging me to keep this up. Otherwise i could say, bitter, party of one.

by the way, this is mom now and the charcoal drawing behind her is, well, her. 1955, Knocksberry farm. IT's my utmost favorite.

bad day

enough said.............

it's been too long

I guess when 2 people ask what happened to this venture it's time to write. It's not like i really thought that anyone was really paying attention. Can you tell it's been a piticularly bad week?? OK a few months. It comes in spurts. It was my mom who really made it hit home. As I was watching something on T.V. and someone commented about marriage and all I could do is think, yeah right. It was the bitterness in my own head that made me stop and gag. I was beginning to be just like her. I can't I JUST CAN'T!!!!

If I do anything but change her brief, she gives me "that look". The one that is so disapproving. I don't know what approval looks like from her. You might think, what the hell is she doing taking care of her mom. I'm still not sure. I know it's the right thing. I know that this all started that way. I know that somewhere in my mind I was hoping for resolve, repentance, or that illusive something. The thing is that even that phrase, illusive something, gives way to the unknown. The thing that may not be attained. Am I sounding to Virginia Woolf? Well perhaps that's just me. I just want to be not, well suicidal.

Each morning I pray that I can make her comfortable, well fed, and keep her brief as clean as possible. Her words are less, and the confused speech more and more. I try to get her to sit up to eat and she scoots down until what looks to be so UNcomfortable, I feel badly for her. But no matter what I do, she scoots down. Her legs are drawn up, her muscles atrophied and becoming so thin. What can I do. I turn her, I even try and some kind of conversation with her and still nothing. Food in, poop and pee out. That's all there is. This is, this blog, for me is what some may call cathartic, but I'm not sure.

I want to share what makes me make it through the day, this move to Arkansas, this being alone, so very alone. Well even that didn't work. Something happened and I can't post a picture of Jordan. She is the reason. I thought I would share.

Perhaps tomorrow I can post her picture

almost her birthday

it was hard to put this one on here, but she did eat ALL the cheesecake and I don't know why the camera makes her look so red and blotchy, honestly she's not.

While at church, her sitter could only get her to eat half of a yogurt. Sometimes she is so difficult, with no reason. I waited until the sitter (Kathy) left and got her to eat it in no time at all. But I know all her games and don't play them WITH her all the time. So with all that being said, this is the picture. Cleo and cheese cake.

it's her birthday today

today is her 76th birthday, i bought turtle cheesecake and grandpa's BBQ. I have had quite a marvelous day, but that's for later. This morning I said my normal, good morning, followed by, guess what. The thing is she said "what". She was there for a moment. I know she was. So it's a celebration pork sandwich and chs cake from this gourmet little place that I found a week ago. I wanted to take a picture, but .... maybe later one will come out. Just wanted to say, she was there for a moment, and I was there.

you are right Jackie

I haven't blogged in a while and I should have. There are so many things to write about.

TUNA, yup, tuna. I am discovering what works and what doesn't. She can chew tuna for at least 30 minutes non stop. It must mean that it has some property that she doesn't feel that it is getting smaller so she chews and she chews and she chews. So OUT WITH TUNA !!!

I'm trying to buy a house and am absolutely astonished at how emotional it is. I do remember my mom telling me about when she and my dad bought the house that I really grew up in. It was their third house together and I was 5 and my sister was 6, but for some reason her boss commented that she was off her game. Mom, ALWAYS giving her all to her job was, taken aback. She apologized, and her boss pointed out how emotional buying a house was. It was the first time that she realized she showed some kind of emotion other than what she wanted the world to see. I refuse to be excited about this until I'm signing the documents and the keys hit my hand. There is this realization that I have that part of my mom in me.

Mom had a good day today I think.

Thanks Jackie, I needed to write........ other wise I could say Bitter, party of one.

and the fear sets in

i have an appointment at the bank tomorrow.

The fear is setting in. I have found a house for mom and i to move into, and the smart thing is to NOT take it in the shorts and take money out of the 401k (more than the planned amount). It would be great to get a small mortgage and move in and have a house of our own again. It would be great for my mom (and me) to live in a house that is NOT rented in the final time of her life (months, years, no one knows). Her room would be bigger, my stuff would have a place, the emotions of this abyss that we are in will settle. My fear of failing is overwhelming.

As i fed mom tonight, i am reminded of failing at my second marriage and her saying, "what did you do". You see it's all my fault all the time. When i showed her my bruises of domestic violence she said "what did YOU do" . Now i'm about to go into what feels like a win/loose situation and am feeding her, eyes as i feed her are saying "it's all on the line, prove yourself, but i know you will fail" i want to go in with a positive attitude and prove her so wrong. But then there's me......... and the fear sets in.

My prayers are that i CAN be positive, i have been putting positive energy out to the universe that it WILL happen. I am reading positive stuff, it's close to the appointment and my fear is coming in. How can i NOT let this happen, not let the fear in. I want so badly to be POSITIVE and believe it. All that comes to mind is fake it 'til you make it...

i will

weird day

My never-fail oatmeal, failed this morning. Half way through she just clammed up. It was the day I was to go to church, and she didn't eat. OH CRAP!!! Nic came over to sit with her so that I could go to church, and she WON'T eat. She does that smile that creeps me out, and by the way my sister knows that smile. At least she ate a normal dinner and even dessert. I even think when I asked if she was comfortable and she said no, I think she was communicating with me. I did adjust the bed and asked again, and she just smiled. I'm not sure.

She hasn't talked much these last few days. Not even babbling, is this the real beginning of the end? Am I ready? I don't think so. I tell her that we are moving in a few months, that we will have a home again, one that is ours. NO TRAIN noises. Better neighborhood. Maybe even help with her. Give her a real bath. Something I can't do on my own. Even better food. I didn't bring all my kitchen stuff to this house knowing that I was moving so soon. I miss a nice kitchen with all my "stuff". You never know what you'll miss until it's not there. It's not that I can't cook without it, just that those little things are what you miss. I made a really bad cheesecake (box mix) thinking she would like it. I'm not sure, perhaps it was just a different texture, and cold.

Tomorrow is another day...

what a difference you've made in my life

there's an old country song that the chorus is, what a difference you've made in my life, you're my sunshine day and night. it's a positive song of love and gratitude. I'm not a country music fan, that's all that my mom listened to (that, and old time gospel) and therefore, it's NOT one of my favorites.

It's Sunday and the kids are coming over for dinner. It's a good day.

With that in mind, that song came on and mom was giving me that "look" the one I still don't know what it is. In the last few days she has called out my sister's name, nothing more than "Diane". I know that she loved her, I know that she would expect her to care for her in this awful time of life. After all she is trained in it. This is what she has done for so long. I have always admired my sister for that. I'm glad that she was able to be the last voice, the last touch, the last one to say that they were loved before they passed away. What a gift she has. Now the table is turned and I hope that I am equip for it. Mom never loved me the same, not having a pity party, just the truth of it. She wasn't there for me like she was with Diane, this is not contention between my sister and I, in fact I think it brought us to a better understanding of each other much later in life. We have such different memories of the same thing, not just a bit different but grand canyon different. She remembers our folks as giving us a great musical backdrop. I remember dad's elevator music (no really, do you remember Muzak (sp), once my dad brought me into the garage, his hobby shop, and said now this is music, it was the Beatles song, Let it Be. I laughed and sung the rest of the song, and told him it was an abomination of the song. I didn't like the Beatles, but knew the song. ) and occasionally big band, mom was all country and gospel. So it's a long way of saying my sister and i have very different memories. So, this song comes on, because I figure it's mom's music and she might like it, as I find myself singing the song, couldn't help myself, I thought, she has made a difference in my life, just not the kind I would ever want to give my children. On a happy note, I don't know if my sister and I would have gotten as close with out this turn of events. No. Not really a change of events, a turn. I must admit I wonder what kind of person I would have been with loving and interested parents. I know I have potential, and maybe this is the cosmic way of giving it to me. After all the three words i so desperately want to hear from her will never be heard, "please forgive me". I have said them often to my children, my father said them to me. I was 13 and he took me aside durning one of the times my parents were separated and using me as a mouth piece for both of them, and said "I'm sorry, I should have been a better father". That's all I needed to hear, and he was the only one who said "I love you" between the both of them. Perhaps that's why my relationship with my dad is so much stronger. She would never say those words, I don't know that she would have ever chosen to say them to me. I chose to say them each time I talk to my children, and many of my friends as well. But my children know that I still don't know how I could be so blessed to have those three call me mom. So, in so many ways on so many levels my mother did make a difference in my life, for the most part, of what not to be. She would rescue a stranger and ignore her husband and kids. It's such life of opposites. It must of taken it's toll. Well, I know it did.

I have so much more to work on in this life that I have been given. It's what I must give to myself first and then to my children. This gift we call self esteem, value and worth. My children have it. I tried to offer it as they were growing up, because of a toxic marriage for 18 years, they didn't see a lot of me knowing I had value, but I'm working on it. I want to become the person that they almost knew, strong and valuable. It started down the wrong road because of my parents and their choices, I was making headway until my last marriage, now because of my mom and all my mom issues, I have started the road again. This time with clear vision, and goals. This is not to say, it will be easy, and there won't be bumps (even big ones) on the way, but I know where I'm headed.

So this new path for me is discovery each day. What a difference you've made in my life, it's almost like a second chance, otherwise I could say, bitter, party of one.

crying or laughing

sometimes i can't tell. when i am out in the living room and i hear her get vocal, i used to run to her room and try to console her. most of the time it wasn't crying, it was this strange laughter. she has been more quiet than not lately. that makes me wonder. the past two days she has begun to be loud again. hospice can't help because she can speak 6 words or more. she can, it's just that they never come out at the same time. she may get 3 words to start a thought or sentence and then it's all babble. sometimes i think she knows what she is saying, and others (mostly) she doesn't. she was upset a few minutes ago, i went in and she settled down and i asked her if she would like to me leave the room, she said yes. did she mean it? did she know? i left, after i told her it would be ok.

at least she ate well this morning. she has been eating poorly this last week. i wanted to force feed her, then again, why am i doing that. my sister said that at the home that she worked at, they had to "make" them eat. that meant occasionally the persons lip would get cut by the spoon, i could see me doing that. wanting her to eat. she puckering up like she just ate a whole lemon. i know that this is what's going to happen, her memory to eat, or perhaps desire. in my mind i know that's what is going to happen. the problem is, that it will happen. it will be me that she won't eat for, me that can't get the food in, me that will have to watch her get thinner. she is VERY specific about this in her health care directive, NO feeding tubes. NOTHING. it's just that i have seen it for a week, and it's so much harder than i thought.

so back to oatmeal, that was the ticket. she eats oatmeal.

i know that i make her as comfy as possible, dry as soon as i can, feed good meals when she eats, i have the knowledge that i am doing the best that i can, otherwise i could say, bitter party of one.

2 months in and i want a day off

it's been 2 months and for the first time i really want a day off. not just a few hours, a day. a day that i don't have to think about anything that has to do with caregiving. where i can have my old life back. i know i signed up for this. she is my mom. it's only been 62 days with out a day off. but i want one. i'm selfish. i have been sick for a week. from dec 24th to even today i don't feel 100%. i don't know what it was, but it kicked my butt.