discovery # 6893

thinking that i would make the morning oatmeal a little different for her, i added some homemade caramel sauce. I tasted it first, OH MY GOODNESS !!! It's a winner. So add that to your list of things to try in life. I just wish that she could really experience it. That's what my life has come to, food, care-taking and blogging (ok , most anything on the computer).

This is what I made for Christmas this year. Homemade caramel sauce and brownies. It's a tight year. I love homemade gifts. Unlike the commercial that puts them down, I think they are heartfelt and wonderful. I just hope that those who I send them to this year will feel the same. Of course I won't send brownies in the mail, but the sauce is coming.

It's 3 in the afternoon and I'm still in my pajamas. Today was changing all her bedding and getting her into the wheelchair, it wasn't as smooth as it was last time. And, there was the impromptu hair cut for her. I can't imagine being in bed all the time. There are things that you just don't think about. The back of your head for example. Your feet, another discovery of what can happen when the only thing that they see is each side of the sheets. What is up with that???? I discover things each day. Each lesson. Each day. Who would have thought I would be here. A few years ago, this would have been the furthest thing I could have made up. The funny thing is, I feel like to "old" version of me, the one where I felt like I could conquer the world. I may not be the most stable person in the world, but my heart is in the right place. I love my children, I couldn't be more proud of them. Now, it's my turn to make them proud of me. Because of a bad marriage, I let my guard down and trusted my ex who said that he would take care of me. He didn't. I haven't had a "real" job for so many years, I hope that I can re-enter the working world and prove to them, again that I have value. I have skills. This will be in the next six months or so, so keep your prayers and fingers crossed.

just a quick note today

it was JorDAn's birthday yesterday. She is so wonderful. I just can't stand it. I'm proud of my Nic and Katie for bringing her into this world. They are, and will be fabulous parents.

My sister and I talk via "chat" on gmail, we don't see eye to eye on how we were raised, however we DO know that we will always be there for one another. That in it's self is something to write about.

I have found out that the "Simply Sleep" brand in the stores is a bit more potent than regular P.M. type stuff. Mom was extra sleepy this morning. I know now to give her the tablets earlier in the evening. I took it my self the night before I gave it to her just to see how it would effect me. I was groggy (feeling the effects) for about 24 hours. Now keep in mind the strongest thing I take is Dr. Pepper and when needed, Excedrine. So, what that means is it may not be as strong for you. The thing is, it helps her sleep all night. And this, helps me.

We had pancakes and eggs this morning. She ate the whole thing and pretty quickly. I was impressed. I know that she cannot really taste anymore, it's more of a temperature and texture thing, but I thought I would make eggnog waffles and something a bit special for Christmas dinner. OH, and I found out that I can maneuver her in the wheel chair and bring her out in the living room, for a change of pace. Back to Christmas, I am hoping like crazy that she will be able to understand the Christmas story in the book of Luke. I want to read it to her on that day. There is still something there, I know it. I can see it. She does respond sometimes. I hope this season she will be able to listen one more time of the story of Jesus' birth. The greatest event ever recorded, read and lived.

So in this season of holidays we exchange gifts of meaning and no meaning at all, I pray that just for one more Christmas she can hear me read the scriptures and understand for a moment. That it will give her pleasure and solace.

For JorDAn, her second Christmas, her first birthday, she has brought more light into this world and the world is better for it.

she said "thank you"

words that i thought that i would never hear from my mother to me. They haven't been heard until now. I have Subway to thank, I think. I tried a meatball sub for her. I always have the veggie, I knew she couldn't eat that. The point being, she seemed to LOVE the meatballs. She ate it all!!! Of course I had to cut it up for her, however she ate it all. That was last night. So, the other half was for tonight. I made some devil's food cake in cute leaf muffin pan thingy. She was eating and smiled and said "thank you". SO what did I do... thanked her for thanking me. It was moment, I still don't know if it was me that she was thanking, but i'll take it. Please don't get me wrong, those words were not absent from her vocabulary, she was great at thanking everyone but family.

She even said a sentence that was about 5 words in a row. Then my thoughts were back to her. What IF she COULD understand what she is going through ! How utterly awful to know. Know that she comes in and out of hell. Now that she is in the stage that she is in, she can't move her legs very well, hasn't walked in over two years. Can't say more than a few words before the babble comes into play. Is there something there that can't come out? My job right now is to make sure that she is a comfy as possible. I try to keep her dry and fed, clean her teeth, wash her hair, and keep her bowels moving. What if she was hungry and can't tell me. I try to give her breakfast at the same time. The only way I know when to stop feeding is when she does the closed mouth thing. This, however is sometimes followed by a big gapeing mouth an hour later when I go to give her a drink. I'm playing it by ear. I have done this on the piano with simple songs, yes, but this is a symphony and I dearly hope that she can recognize the melody I'm playing for her.

she was moved..

thank goodness. it must be miserable to think that my mom allowing the laxative to work makes my day, but today it did. she had quite an appetite today as well. perhaps she was reclaiming the deposit that she gave a little earlier. no matter. for the second day in a row she didn't moan when i had to turn her, however she did say "be careful". How much does she really know? If you were to meet her, the blank stare, and babble, the inability to change positions, feed herself, or push when she needs to potty is simply not there, no urge, you would say there is nothing there. then tell me why, from nowhere, she can say "be careful" at the appropriate time? I'm baffled.

It's cold outside today, not that I was out and about. I know because the heater had been on. The UPS man came with the two new knitting books i ordered. I had to mark an envelope in sharpie, the house address so as he would know it was me. This house has no mail box or even house numbers. It's crazy. I just keep repeating my mantra, this is only temporary... this is only temporary..... over and over again. I'm 2 1/2 months into a 6 month lease. I'm hoping to buy a house closer to civilization if the ex keeps his word.

The dish receiver went out, so it's movies today, so far, "the holiday" "the interpreter" and "the net" i figure that there will be one more before the night is out and i will knit more. By the way the books were fantastic. "Baby beanies" by amanda keeys and "itty-bitty hats" by susan b. anderson. can't wait to dive into them and make my baby girl some new hats.

on to knitting and another movie... otherwise i could say, Bitter, party of one

she takes my breath away

from the moment my first child was born, Tyler Betheny Asman, from the moment that she took her first breath, I have been catching mine. I adore her. I love her with all my might, mind and strength. I love looking at pictures of her, and may I say, she is so photogenic. She is the first of three children that I couldn't be more proud of. I have written that one of the things that I want in life is to be validated, I should remind myself, they are my validation. When I say they are good, they are GOOD. I believe that I know 98% of their foibles, and can say without reservation, it's my pleasure to be their mother.

oatmeal

It seems to be the only thing that she eats all of easily. Breakfast is the one meal that goes well. Last night I could only get her to eat 2 bites of chicken. One bite that was "normal", meaning what you and I would eat. It took 7 minutes for her to finish chewing. The next bite I shredded, thinking that would aid in the chewing process. It didn't. The was the last bite of the night. She is loosing weight and I don't know how to "get" her to eat. Why is breakfast easier. Why does she only open her mouth big enough for a straw to get in. And that only sometimes. The other times, it is kissing the spoon, or something like that. Even a straw can't make it in at the time.

It's laxative day today. I hope she is moved, all puns intended.

Hospice

they came by, but it was determined that she isn't quite there. They will be back in a month. We'll see then. I wish I could weigh her, i'm sure her weight loss would be significant enough that they would take her on. I am now giving her the slimfast thing, thanks again Roz, and with regular milk has enough calories that it's a meal for her. That's if she doesn't kiss the straw. The girl that came by was really nice. I hope that she is able to receive this service soon. For me AND her. I am trying so hard to make sure that she doesn't get one of "those" sores. Having help I know that I will be able to do a better job.

This morning she didn't make so many sounds when I had to rotate her. Maybe I'm doing better with her.

I am grieving less and counting my blessings more. No matter what life has brought, dumped on me, or I have screwed up, I am in charge of my future. I wish that my mother had known this simple but difficult lesson. I am in charge of my happiness, otherwise I could say, Bitter, party of one.

red tinsel and BBQ chicken

i have red tinsel for decoration all over the living room. It was my pleasure to have the kids over for dinner on Sunday, and they brought the newest member, Tempi (the pup). We had BBQ chicken that turned out great and the visit was even better. JorDAn was fascinated with the red shiny tinsel, she would take it with both of her her tiny hands and run it through her hair and over her face and just smile, and babble something profound. Tempi would take JorDAn's lead and bite the tinsel and we would try and make sure that she didn't eat it. As Nic and Katie and I would alternate playing a game, we took turn being in charge of the baby and pup. After all had gone, I served Cleo her feast of chicken and red potatoes letting her know that I knew that she liked it. She chewed a million times and I hope really really liked it.

The next morning I got a call that indeed someone was NOT paying enough attention last night and when Tempi came back from her morning constitutional she had a bit of red shiny tinsel lingering out of her bottom. So, with this being said, Katie had to relieve her from the entire piece by pulling the rest of it out. YUCK. Oh the price of puppy parenthood. What does this have to do with mom?? Nothing really, just wish that she could have really been here to enjoy this day. Not just been here. But perhaps, just for a moment, she could hear her great grand daughter's laugh, and smiled. For this, I am not, bitter, party of one, I am grateful.

it's a cold saturday

yesterday she worked her hand out from under the covers and by the time I discovered it, it was so cold. I worked it down under the covers and hoped she would keep it there. It was an interesting day in many ways. I think we had a two sentence conversation, twice. She did the "barely open her mouth thing" again. I got really loud and she did it. Normally it's hit and miss no matter what. I don't know if it's the angle of spoon, the time of day or what. But yesterday she seemed to interact with me. This is something that has not happened or a very long time. She still has the automatic responses, I say, "Good morning Cleo" and she says "good morning" and even sometimes "good morning sweetie" (the sweetie is because she wasn't good with names and would call everyone sweetie). Yesterday was different.

I can't explain why.

I can only offer her physical comfort, and food. The food, I must say is much better than what she has had for the last 2 years. I wonder what she thinks, IF she thinks. Can I create the holiday spirit around her? I hope so. My prayer for her is that she be released from this mental ambiguity, to be able to think for herself soon, and maybe for the first time. And yes I do believe in an afterlife. To me it would be cruel to think that if in this lifetime some of us are treated so poorly, unfairly and even with evil in mind, that there isn't a place that we would have the chance to reach our potential. Sometimes as much as we would like, our potential is bound by those around us. The philosophers of old and even our new pursuit of happiness guru's are able to give us words of wisdom, they are wonderful, however in many instances, hard to practice. We must create our own little world to survive this one. It is my hope to give my mom a little bit of comfort and for those micro seconds of clarity, peace.

Otherwise, I could say, bitter, party of one.