I guess when 2 people ask what happened to this venture it's time to write. It's not like i really thought that anyone was really paying attention. Can you tell it's been a piticularly bad week?? OK a few months. It comes in spurts. It was my mom who really made it hit home. As I was watching something on T.V. and someone commented about marriage and all I could do is think, yeah right. It was the bitterness in my own head that made me stop and gag. I was beginning to be just like her. I can't I JUST CAN'T!!!!
If I do anything but change her brief, she gives me "that look". The one that is so disapproving. I don't know what approval looks like from her. You might think, what the hell is she doing taking care of her mom. I'm still not sure. I know it's the right thing. I know that this all started that way. I know that somewhere in my mind I was hoping for resolve, repentance, or that illusive something. The thing is that even that phrase, illusive something, gives way to the unknown. The thing that may not be attained. Am I sounding to Virginia Woolf? Well perhaps that's just me. I just want to be not, well suicidal.
Each morning I pray that I can make her comfortable, well fed, and keep her brief as clean as possible. Her words are less, and the confused speech more and more. I try to get her to sit up to eat and she scoots down until what looks to be so UNcomfortable, I feel badly for her. But no matter what I do, she scoots down. Her legs are drawn up, her muscles atrophied and becoming so thin. What can I do. I turn her, I even try and some kind of conversation with her and still nothing. Food in, poop and pee out. That's all there is. This is, this blog, for me is what some may call cathartic, but I'm not sure.
I want to share what makes me make it through the day, this move to Arkansas, this being alone, so very alone. Well even that didn't work. Something happened and I can't post a picture of Jordan. She is the reason. I thought I would share.
Perhaps tomorrow I can post her picture
