so much to say, but i can't

so that leaves me in an awkward place.

how much can she hold

she starts the day with an ensure and today she drank it down. And lunch was oatmeal with fresh strawberries. This is not how much she eats, just think about a third more. The wonderful angel that helps me once a week says she is amazed how much she eats. About a 1/4 of what I feed mom is normal. Marilyn is an RN with many years o knowledge, so I defer to her on these things. The problem is, she takes so long to eat. Sometimes up to an hour. She chews about 60 to 100 times per bite. That also means that she eats cold food. Often I keep half of it in the pan to keep warm. I have elected NOT to have a microwave, I don't like them. So everything is heated on the stove, but think of it, those who have microwaves, after the third "warm up" the food becomes leather. This way the food stays better. I have discovered the secret of keeping the oatmeal warm. DON'T stir it after it's ready, it gets a kind of coating and keeps all below warner. Besides that's her favorite meal. How do I know? She eats it fastest. For me that means 30 mins. For someone else and hour.

We are taking an adventure in herb teas. This month is wild berry zinger. Iced. It's the best so far. So tonight it's the rest of the tube from yesterday broken up in organic eggs. I think giving her as much organic food as possible helps the "system". The home that she was in stated that she would have to have soft food from now on. They were wrong, and she eats 100% every time. Yes i know, it's because I can sit with her for as long as it takes, but she does eat it all, and I'm pretty darn sure that it's because my food is much better. After all, with all my jobs, I an say that i'm a bit of a gourmet cook. Also, I only use the good stuff, like real butter, i grind the pepper and salt. Some may find that part of care not so fun, but I love it, otherwise i could say, bitter, party of one

sausage in a tube

so much to say, and no time at the moment. It was a temp. lapse of judgement, good or bad I'm not sure yet. BUT, with that said, she ate it like a champ. In real life she, she would have loved it. So, I'll go with that.

And thanks Tom and Jackie for encouraging me to keep this up. Otherwise i could say, bitter, party of one.

by the way, this is mom now and the charcoal drawing behind her is, well, her. 1955, Knocksberry farm. IT's my utmost favorite.

bad day

enough said.............

it's been too long

I guess when 2 people ask what happened to this venture it's time to write. It's not like i really thought that anyone was really paying attention. Can you tell it's been a piticularly bad week?? OK a few months. It comes in spurts. It was my mom who really made it hit home. As I was watching something on T.V. and someone commented about marriage and all I could do is think, yeah right. It was the bitterness in my own head that made me stop and gag. I was beginning to be just like her. I can't I JUST CAN'T!!!!

If I do anything but change her brief, she gives me "that look". The one that is so disapproving. I don't know what approval looks like from her. You might think, what the hell is she doing taking care of her mom. I'm still not sure. I know it's the right thing. I know that this all started that way. I know that somewhere in my mind I was hoping for resolve, repentance, or that illusive something. The thing is that even that phrase, illusive something, gives way to the unknown. The thing that may not be attained. Am I sounding to Virginia Woolf? Well perhaps that's just me. I just want to be not, well suicidal.

Each morning I pray that I can make her comfortable, well fed, and keep her brief as clean as possible. Her words are less, and the confused speech more and more. I try to get her to sit up to eat and she scoots down until what looks to be so UNcomfortable, I feel badly for her. But no matter what I do, she scoots down. Her legs are drawn up, her muscles atrophied and becoming so thin. What can I do. I turn her, I even try and some kind of conversation with her and still nothing. Food in, poop and pee out. That's all there is. This is, this blog, for me is what some may call cathartic, but I'm not sure.

I want to share what makes me make it through the day, this move to Arkansas, this being alone, so very alone. Well even that didn't work. Something happened and I can't post a picture of Jordan. She is the reason. I thought I would share.

Perhaps tomorrow I can post her picture

almost her birthday

it was hard to put this one on here, but she did eat ALL the cheesecake and I don't know why the camera makes her look so red and blotchy, honestly she's not.

While at church, her sitter could only get her to eat half of a yogurt. Sometimes she is so difficult, with no reason. I waited until the sitter (Kathy) left and got her to eat it in no time at all. But I know all her games and don't play them WITH her all the time. So with all that being said, this is the picture. Cleo and cheese cake.

it's her birthday today

today is her 76th birthday, i bought turtle cheesecake and grandpa's BBQ. I have had quite a marvelous day, but that's for later. This morning I said my normal, good morning, followed by, guess what. The thing is she said "what". She was there for a moment. I know she was. So it's a celebration pork sandwich and chs cake from this gourmet little place that I found a week ago. I wanted to take a picture, but .... maybe later one will come out. Just wanted to say, she was there for a moment, and I was there.