crying or laughing

sometimes i can't tell. when i am out in the living room and i hear her get vocal, i used to run to her room and try to console her. most of the time it wasn't crying, it was this strange laughter. she has been more quiet than not lately. that makes me wonder. the past two days she has begun to be loud again. hospice can't help because she can speak 6 words or more. she can, it's just that they never come out at the same time. she may get 3 words to start a thought or sentence and then it's all babble. sometimes i think she knows what she is saying, and others (mostly) she doesn't. she was upset a few minutes ago, i went in and she settled down and i asked her if she would like to me leave the room, she said yes. did she mean it? did she know? i left, after i told her it would be ok.

at least she ate well this morning. she has been eating poorly this last week. i wanted to force feed her, then again, why am i doing that. my sister said that at the home that she worked at, they had to "make" them eat. that meant occasionally the persons lip would get cut by the spoon, i could see me doing that. wanting her to eat. she puckering up like she just ate a whole lemon. i know that this is what's going to happen, her memory to eat, or perhaps desire. in my mind i know that's what is going to happen. the problem is, that it will happen. it will be me that she won't eat for, me that can't get the food in, me that will have to watch her get thinner. she is VERY specific about this in her health care directive, NO feeding tubes. NOTHING. it's just that i have seen it for a week, and it's so much harder than i thought.

so back to oatmeal, that was the ticket. she eats oatmeal.

i know that i make her as comfy as possible, dry as soon as i can, feed good meals when she eats, i have the knowledge that i am doing the best that i can, otherwise i could say, bitter party of one.