sometimes, not often enough...

sometimes being a mom isn't enough.  the best thing i ever did in life is had three wonderful kids.  now they are all adults, have their own lives and i have only me.  today i'm entirely disappointed.  i have no one to talk to about something important.  and although the kittens seems to understand my depression and tears, they can't talk back.

it's been just over 2 years since my last post....

not much has changed,  yet so many things have.  I hope to start posting, at least for myself.

expendable

sometimes, often really, i feel expendable. I have often described my relationship with my son as "leftovers". It's what I get after everybody in his life takes their time with him and I get the leftovers. What this means is that I don't see him often. The part that really hurts is that it's his choice. Somehow I'm not supposed to take this personal. But I ask, how can I NOT take it personal.

I have now been put on "notice" by my sister and probably every relative, but my father. Well there is one who has told me I'm still OK. I should be grateful.

I am now the only one in my grand daughters life who is not at the hospital waiting for her 2 a.m. surgery, she bit through her tongue tonight. I got the call at 8:45. I was told that I would be called later.

leftovers......

why am i so freaking expendable. why do i not count. why am i not included. i guess i'm having a pity party, but it hurts to the core none the less.

i must remember, i am on my own.

she's gone

it's been almost 5 months. Mom passed on September 6th in the afternoon. On Aug. 26th she woke up making the oddest noise. It was so odd i ran into her room, she was reacting with all her body. She was looking as if she was seeing something evil. I paniced, called 911, that was not in the plan. Mom was so specific about NOT calling 911. I did, then i called my sister and told her I had screwed up. She told me I did the right thing. I was supposed to be my day off and I called the sitter to tell her not to come. She is a retired RN, who has become my close friend. She insisted on meeting me at the hospital.

I went over and over what had gone wrong. Did I feed her something she had a bad reaction to?? Did I feed her something new that was wrong? I kept almost everything organic. She was doing well. She was even humming the week before. She had not done that in a long long time, at least 5 years I know of. She was not hot or cold. Her bowels were working well. Her skin was good. What had I done wrong.

The doctors asked more than once if she was on meds. The answer was always no. She could not communicate, could not tell them if it hurt, and I couldn't tell them either. There was NO sign. Just that look. It was like the look in the movie Ghost, when the demon's come for the bad people. I was selfish, I didn't want that to be the last way I remembered her. I NEEDED her to get better so that i could take her home and make her even better. The hospital said she was in good shape, not a bed sore for being in bed for 3 years. She had an IV, that was not in the rules either. It was sepsis. It didn't really get better. Four day's later, they gave me the hospice talk. She was not going to get better. I called Diane each day. For whatever reason, I felt alone. Each decision was hard but easy to say because she already said what she wanted. It's just that, I knew that this moment was coming, just not now. There were blunders in the hospital. I wrote them in my journal. It was time to take her home to die.

I thought that this is how it should be for her. She won't die in a hospital, or rest home. She will die in MY home. HER room. I won't take my eye's off her. I slept on the floor. I couldn't leave her side

The doctor told me what I might expect. He was as close as could be. I had read things, blogs, books, hospice booklets, talked to people, but this was it. This was it. She would come home unable to even drink, no IV (her health care directive) and just her two daughters and a friend who I had reconnected with, who had been through this with several family members. Diane had been a hospice CNA for years, they would know they would help me.

I brought her home on Sept 1st. Tyler's birthday. Diane and Patricia came on Sept 2nd. My birthday. Both said that she looked good, but it would be anytime. There just wasn't anytime left. They were here so I filled the morphine prescription and came home. This was more emotions than I knew what to do with. But, as taught, I didn't let it show.

I called my son Camren who my mom had a lot of influence on in California. He was a 6 hour drive but didn't come to say good bye. Nicholas was here, and said his good byes. The next 3 days are a blur, there were horror stories told to Patricia about our growing up, as they were told I could see how different my sister and my recollection of the past was. Not that we wanted to tell them, they just started coming out. Words were said feelings crushed and mom needed morphine.

The only thing I could do per her directive was to "moisten her lips", I was dutiful. The thing that was so hard was the inability to give her something to drink. We swabbed her tongue. We wanted to do so much more.

We sang her favorite hymn's. Did her hair. Put her in a black shirt that made her look so Audrey Hepburn like. I had cut her hair a few days before going to the hospital. She looked good. It's just that she was dying. It took me a day to realize that she didn't need to be rotated. There would not be time for bed sores.

Diane and I had talked months before what to do when it happened. We weren't going to tell anyone. We have our reasons. We knew that there might be hurt feelings but we knew we had to protect her, even if it were just her memory. That was probably the hardest to carry out. I'll keep the reasons off the internet. If you want to know, just ask.

We prayed that she would not die on my birthday, it passed. We prayed that she would not die on Diane's birthday it was here and she didn't look good. It was time, her little mouth was so dry, we couldn't make it better. Diane said that she wanted to anoint her with oil. I said that I would make a call so that it would at least have the proper person doing it. She said ok. Mom had a blessing of passing at 11pm on Sept 5th. Diane's birthday. She was doing well. She was ok all night. The next morning she looked good.

I wish I could remember if it was this day the 6th OR on the 5th. But daddy called, or we called him, either way, I asked him to talk to mom. I asked Diane to put the phone to her ear as I was across the room. I wish I had video of that. She lit up, smiled, it was a voice she knew. It must have been comfort. I asked him to call her Queeny like he always did. It was so great!! I thought THIS is what I'll remember.

For whatever reason, I turned on the computer in that room, I was looking for pictures that I had downloaded when she first came to live with me 5 years ago. I found them. I wanted Diane to remember how she looked then and Patricia to see her when she could communicate and be almost normal. I found a short video, she was sticking out her tongue, I was holding the camera and she didn't know I was taking it because she didn't hear the clicks. She was great. Perhaps I'll post it when I can figure how to do it. She smiled really really BIG and that was it.

so much to say, but i can't

so that leaves me in an awkward place.

how much can she hold

she starts the day with an ensure and today she drank it down. And lunch was oatmeal with fresh strawberries. This is not how much she eats, just think about a third more. The wonderful angel that helps me once a week says she is amazed how much she eats. About a 1/4 of what I feed mom is normal. Marilyn is an RN with many years o knowledge, so I defer to her on these things. The problem is, she takes so long to eat. Sometimes up to an hour. She chews about 60 to 100 times per bite. That also means that she eats cold food. Often I keep half of it in the pan to keep warm. I have elected NOT to have a microwave, I don't like them. So everything is heated on the stove, but think of it, those who have microwaves, after the third "warm up" the food becomes leather. This way the food stays better. I have discovered the secret of keeping the oatmeal warm. DON'T stir it after it's ready, it gets a kind of coating and keeps all below warner. Besides that's her favorite meal. How do I know? She eats it fastest. For me that means 30 mins. For someone else and hour.

We are taking an adventure in herb teas. This month is wild berry zinger. Iced. It's the best so far. So tonight it's the rest of the tube from yesterday broken up in organic eggs. I think giving her as much organic food as possible helps the "system". The home that she was in stated that she would have to have soft food from now on. They were wrong, and she eats 100% every time. Yes i know, it's because I can sit with her for as long as it takes, but she does eat it all, and I'm pretty darn sure that it's because my food is much better. After all, with all my jobs, I an say that i'm a bit of a gourmet cook. Also, I only use the good stuff, like real butter, i grind the pepper and salt. Some may find that part of care not so fun, but I love it, otherwise i could say, bitter, party of one

sausage in a tube

so much to say, and no time at the moment. It was a temp. lapse of judgement, good or bad I'm not sure yet. BUT, with that said, she ate it like a champ. In real life she, she would have loved it. So, I'll go with that.

And thanks Tom and Jackie for encouraging me to keep this up. Otherwise i could say, bitter, party of one.

by the way, this is mom now and the charcoal drawing behind her is, well, her. 1955, Knocksberry farm. IT's my utmost favorite.

bad day

enough said.............

it's been too long

I guess when 2 people ask what happened to this venture it's time to write. It's not like i really thought that anyone was really paying attention. Can you tell it's been a piticularly bad week?? OK a few months. It comes in spurts. It was my mom who really made it hit home. As I was watching something on T.V. and someone commented about marriage and all I could do is think, yeah right. It was the bitterness in my own head that made me stop and gag. I was beginning to be just like her. I can't I JUST CAN'T!!!!

If I do anything but change her brief, she gives me "that look". The one that is so disapproving. I don't know what approval looks like from her. You might think, what the hell is she doing taking care of her mom. I'm still not sure. I know it's the right thing. I know that this all started that way. I know that somewhere in my mind I was hoping for resolve, repentance, or that illusive something. The thing is that even that phrase, illusive something, gives way to the unknown. The thing that may not be attained. Am I sounding to Virginia Woolf? Well perhaps that's just me. I just want to be not, well suicidal.

Each morning I pray that I can make her comfortable, well fed, and keep her brief as clean as possible. Her words are less, and the confused speech more and more. I try to get her to sit up to eat and she scoots down until what looks to be so UNcomfortable, I feel badly for her. But no matter what I do, she scoots down. Her legs are drawn up, her muscles atrophied and becoming so thin. What can I do. I turn her, I even try and some kind of conversation with her and still nothing. Food in, poop and pee out. That's all there is. This is, this blog, for me is what some may call cathartic, but I'm not sure.

I want to share what makes me make it through the day, this move to Arkansas, this being alone, so very alone. Well even that didn't work. Something happened and I can't post a picture of Jordan. She is the reason. I thought I would share.

Perhaps tomorrow I can post her picture

almost her birthday

it was hard to put this one on here, but she did eat ALL the cheesecake and I don't know why the camera makes her look so red and blotchy, honestly she's not.

While at church, her sitter could only get her to eat half of a yogurt. Sometimes she is so difficult, with no reason. I waited until the sitter (Kathy) left and got her to eat it in no time at all. But I know all her games and don't play them WITH her all the time. So with all that being said, this is the picture. Cleo and cheese cake.

it's her birthday today

today is her 76th birthday, i bought turtle cheesecake and grandpa's BBQ. I have had quite a marvelous day, but that's for later. This morning I said my normal, good morning, followed by, guess what. The thing is she said "what". She was there for a moment. I know she was. So it's a celebration pork sandwich and chs cake from this gourmet little place that I found a week ago. I wanted to take a picture, but .... maybe later one will come out. Just wanted to say, she was there for a moment, and I was there.

you are right Jackie

I haven't blogged in a while and I should have. There are so many things to write about.

TUNA, yup, tuna. I am discovering what works and what doesn't. She can chew tuna for at least 30 minutes non stop. It must mean that it has some property that she doesn't feel that it is getting smaller so she chews and she chews and she chews. So OUT WITH TUNA !!!

I'm trying to buy a house and am absolutely astonished at how emotional it is. I do remember my mom telling me about when she and my dad bought the house that I really grew up in. It was their third house together and I was 5 and my sister was 6, but for some reason her boss commented that she was off her game. Mom, ALWAYS giving her all to her job was, taken aback. She apologized, and her boss pointed out how emotional buying a house was. It was the first time that she realized she showed some kind of emotion other than what she wanted the world to see. I refuse to be excited about this until I'm signing the documents and the keys hit my hand. There is this realization that I have that part of my mom in me.

Mom had a good day today I think.

Thanks Jackie, I needed to write........ other wise I could say Bitter, party of one.

and the fear sets in

i have an appointment at the bank tomorrow.

The fear is setting in. I have found a house for mom and i to move into, and the smart thing is to NOT take it in the shorts and take money out of the 401k (more than the planned amount). It would be great to get a small mortgage and move in and have a house of our own again. It would be great for my mom (and me) to live in a house that is NOT rented in the final time of her life (months, years, no one knows). Her room would be bigger, my stuff would have a place, the emotions of this abyss that we are in will settle. My fear of failing is overwhelming.

As i fed mom tonight, i am reminded of failing at my second marriage and her saying, "what did you do". You see it's all my fault all the time. When i showed her my bruises of domestic violence she said "what did YOU do" . Now i'm about to go into what feels like a win/loose situation and am feeding her, eyes as i feed her are saying "it's all on the line, prove yourself, but i know you will fail" i want to go in with a positive attitude and prove her so wrong. But then there's me......... and the fear sets in.

My prayers are that i CAN be positive, i have been putting positive energy out to the universe that it WILL happen. I am reading positive stuff, it's close to the appointment and my fear is coming in. How can i NOT let this happen, not let the fear in. I want so badly to be POSITIVE and believe it. All that comes to mind is fake it 'til you make it...

i will

weird day

My never-fail oatmeal, failed this morning. Half way through she just clammed up. It was the day I was to go to church, and she didn't eat. OH CRAP!!! Nic came over to sit with her so that I could go to church, and she WON'T eat. She does that smile that creeps me out, and by the way my sister knows that smile. At least she ate a normal dinner and even dessert. I even think when I asked if she was comfortable and she said no, I think she was communicating with me. I did adjust the bed and asked again, and she just smiled. I'm not sure.

She hasn't talked much these last few days. Not even babbling, is this the real beginning of the end? Am I ready? I don't think so. I tell her that we are moving in a few months, that we will have a home again, one that is ours. NO TRAIN noises. Better neighborhood. Maybe even help with her. Give her a real bath. Something I can't do on my own. Even better food. I didn't bring all my kitchen stuff to this house knowing that I was moving so soon. I miss a nice kitchen with all my "stuff". You never know what you'll miss until it's not there. It's not that I can't cook without it, just that those little things are what you miss. I made a really bad cheesecake (box mix) thinking she would like it. I'm not sure, perhaps it was just a different texture, and cold.

Tomorrow is another day...

what a difference you've made in my life

there's an old country song that the chorus is, what a difference you've made in my life, you're my sunshine day and night. it's a positive song of love and gratitude. I'm not a country music fan, that's all that my mom listened to (that, and old time gospel) and therefore, it's NOT one of my favorites.

It's Sunday and the kids are coming over for dinner. It's a good day.

With that in mind, that song came on and mom was giving me that "look" the one I still don't know what it is. In the last few days she has called out my sister's name, nothing more than "Diane". I know that she loved her, I know that she would expect her to care for her in this awful time of life. After all she is trained in it. This is what she has done for so long. I have always admired my sister for that. I'm glad that she was able to be the last voice, the last touch, the last one to say that they were loved before they passed away. What a gift she has. Now the table is turned and I hope that I am equip for it. Mom never loved me the same, not having a pity party, just the truth of it. She wasn't there for me like she was with Diane, this is not contention between my sister and I, in fact I think it brought us to a better understanding of each other much later in life. We have such different memories of the same thing, not just a bit different but grand canyon different. She remembers our folks as giving us a great musical backdrop. I remember dad's elevator music (no really, do you remember Muzak (sp), once my dad brought me into the garage, his hobby shop, and said now this is music, it was the Beatles song, Let it Be. I laughed and sung the rest of the song, and told him it was an abomination of the song. I didn't like the Beatles, but knew the song. ) and occasionally big band, mom was all country and gospel. So it's a long way of saying my sister and i have very different memories. So, this song comes on, because I figure it's mom's music and she might like it, as I find myself singing the song, couldn't help myself, I thought, she has made a difference in my life, just not the kind I would ever want to give my children. On a happy note, I don't know if my sister and I would have gotten as close with out this turn of events. No. Not really a change of events, a turn. I must admit I wonder what kind of person I would have been with loving and interested parents. I know I have potential, and maybe this is the cosmic way of giving it to me. After all the three words i so desperately want to hear from her will never be heard, "please forgive me". I have said them often to my children, my father said them to me. I was 13 and he took me aside durning one of the times my parents were separated and using me as a mouth piece for both of them, and said "I'm sorry, I should have been a better father". That's all I needed to hear, and he was the only one who said "I love you" between the both of them. Perhaps that's why my relationship with my dad is so much stronger. She would never say those words, I don't know that she would have ever chosen to say them to me. I chose to say them each time I talk to my children, and many of my friends as well. But my children know that I still don't know how I could be so blessed to have those three call me mom. So, in so many ways on so many levels my mother did make a difference in my life, for the most part, of what not to be. She would rescue a stranger and ignore her husband and kids. It's such life of opposites. It must of taken it's toll. Well, I know it did.

I have so much more to work on in this life that I have been given. It's what I must give to myself first and then to my children. This gift we call self esteem, value and worth. My children have it. I tried to offer it as they were growing up, because of a toxic marriage for 18 years, they didn't see a lot of me knowing I had value, but I'm working on it. I want to become the person that they almost knew, strong and valuable. It started down the wrong road because of my parents and their choices, I was making headway until my last marriage, now because of my mom and all my mom issues, I have started the road again. This time with clear vision, and goals. This is not to say, it will be easy, and there won't be bumps (even big ones) on the way, but I know where I'm headed.

So this new path for me is discovery each day. What a difference you've made in my life, it's almost like a second chance, otherwise I could say, bitter, party of one.

crying or laughing

sometimes i can't tell. when i am out in the living room and i hear her get vocal, i used to run to her room and try to console her. most of the time it wasn't crying, it was this strange laughter. she has been more quiet than not lately. that makes me wonder. the past two days she has begun to be loud again. hospice can't help because she can speak 6 words or more. she can, it's just that they never come out at the same time. she may get 3 words to start a thought or sentence and then it's all babble. sometimes i think she knows what she is saying, and others (mostly) she doesn't. she was upset a few minutes ago, i went in and she settled down and i asked her if she would like to me leave the room, she said yes. did she mean it? did she know? i left, after i told her it would be ok.

at least she ate well this morning. she has been eating poorly this last week. i wanted to force feed her, then again, why am i doing that. my sister said that at the home that she worked at, they had to "make" them eat. that meant occasionally the persons lip would get cut by the spoon, i could see me doing that. wanting her to eat. she puckering up like she just ate a whole lemon. i know that this is what's going to happen, her memory to eat, or perhaps desire. in my mind i know that's what is going to happen. the problem is, that it will happen. it will be me that she won't eat for, me that can't get the food in, me that will have to watch her get thinner. she is VERY specific about this in her health care directive, NO feeding tubes. NOTHING. it's just that i have seen it for a week, and it's so much harder than i thought.

so back to oatmeal, that was the ticket. she eats oatmeal.

i know that i make her as comfy as possible, dry as soon as i can, feed good meals when she eats, i have the knowledge that i am doing the best that i can, otherwise i could say, bitter party of one.

2 months in and i want a day off

it's been 2 months and for the first time i really want a day off. not just a few hours, a day. a day that i don't have to think about anything that has to do with caregiving. where i can have my old life back. i know i signed up for this. she is my mom. it's only been 62 days with out a day off. but i want one. i'm selfish. i have been sick for a week. from dec 24th to even today i don't feel 100%. i don't know what it was, but it kicked my butt.

discovery # 6893

thinking that i would make the morning oatmeal a little different for her, i added some homemade caramel sauce. I tasted it first, OH MY GOODNESS !!! It's a winner. So add that to your list of things to try in life. I just wish that she could really experience it. That's what my life has come to, food, care-taking and blogging (ok , most anything on the computer).

This is what I made for Christmas this year. Homemade caramel sauce and brownies. It's a tight year. I love homemade gifts. Unlike the commercial that puts them down, I think they are heartfelt and wonderful. I just hope that those who I send them to this year will feel the same. Of course I won't send brownies in the mail, but the sauce is coming.

It's 3 in the afternoon and I'm still in my pajamas. Today was changing all her bedding and getting her into the wheelchair, it wasn't as smooth as it was last time. And, there was the impromptu hair cut for her. I can't imagine being in bed all the time. There are things that you just don't think about. The back of your head for example. Your feet, another discovery of what can happen when the only thing that they see is each side of the sheets. What is up with that???? I discover things each day. Each lesson. Each day. Who would have thought I would be here. A few years ago, this would have been the furthest thing I could have made up. The funny thing is, I feel like to "old" version of me, the one where I felt like I could conquer the world. I may not be the most stable person in the world, but my heart is in the right place. I love my children, I couldn't be more proud of them. Now, it's my turn to make them proud of me. Because of a bad marriage, I let my guard down and trusted my ex who said that he would take care of me. He didn't. I haven't had a "real" job for so many years, I hope that I can re-enter the working world and prove to them, again that I have value. I have skills. This will be in the next six months or so, so keep your prayers and fingers crossed.

just a quick note today

it was JorDAn's birthday yesterday. She is so wonderful. I just can't stand it. I'm proud of my Nic and Katie for bringing her into this world. They are, and will be fabulous parents.

My sister and I talk via "chat" on gmail, we don't see eye to eye on how we were raised, however we DO know that we will always be there for one another. That in it's self is something to write about.

I have found out that the "Simply Sleep" brand in the stores is a bit more potent than regular P.M. type stuff. Mom was extra sleepy this morning. I know now to give her the tablets earlier in the evening. I took it my self the night before I gave it to her just to see how it would effect me. I was groggy (feeling the effects) for about 24 hours. Now keep in mind the strongest thing I take is Dr. Pepper and when needed, Excedrine. So, what that means is it may not be as strong for you. The thing is, it helps her sleep all night. And this, helps me.

We had pancakes and eggs this morning. She ate the whole thing and pretty quickly. I was impressed. I know that she cannot really taste anymore, it's more of a temperature and texture thing, but I thought I would make eggnog waffles and something a bit special for Christmas dinner. OH, and I found out that I can maneuver her in the wheel chair and bring her out in the living room, for a change of pace. Back to Christmas, I am hoping like crazy that she will be able to understand the Christmas story in the book of Luke. I want to read it to her on that day. There is still something there, I know it. I can see it. She does respond sometimes. I hope this season she will be able to listen one more time of the story of Jesus' birth. The greatest event ever recorded, read and lived.

So in this season of holidays we exchange gifts of meaning and no meaning at all, I pray that just for one more Christmas she can hear me read the scriptures and understand for a moment. That it will give her pleasure and solace.

For JorDAn, her second Christmas, her first birthday, she has brought more light into this world and the world is better for it.

she said "thank you"

words that i thought that i would never hear from my mother to me. They haven't been heard until now. I have Subway to thank, I think. I tried a meatball sub for her. I always have the veggie, I knew she couldn't eat that. The point being, she seemed to LOVE the meatballs. She ate it all!!! Of course I had to cut it up for her, however she ate it all. That was last night. So, the other half was for tonight. I made some devil's food cake in cute leaf muffin pan thingy. She was eating and smiled and said "thank you". SO what did I do... thanked her for thanking me. It was moment, I still don't know if it was me that she was thanking, but i'll take it. Please don't get me wrong, those words were not absent from her vocabulary, she was great at thanking everyone but family.

She even said a sentence that was about 5 words in a row. Then my thoughts were back to her. What IF she COULD understand what she is going through ! How utterly awful to know. Know that she comes in and out of hell. Now that she is in the stage that she is in, she can't move her legs very well, hasn't walked in over two years. Can't say more than a few words before the babble comes into play. Is there something there that can't come out? My job right now is to make sure that she is a comfy as possible. I try to keep her dry and fed, clean her teeth, wash her hair, and keep her bowels moving. What if she was hungry and can't tell me. I try to give her breakfast at the same time. The only way I know when to stop feeding is when she does the closed mouth thing. This, however is sometimes followed by a big gapeing mouth an hour later when I go to give her a drink. I'm playing it by ear. I have done this on the piano with simple songs, yes, but this is a symphony and I dearly hope that she can recognize the melody I'm playing for her.