she takes my breath away

from the moment my first child was born, Tyler Betheny Asman, from the moment that she took her first breath, I have been catching mine. I adore her. I love her with all my might, mind and strength. I love looking at pictures of her, and may I say, she is so photogenic. She is the first of three children that I couldn't be more proud of. I have written that one of the things that I want in life is to be validated, I should remind myself, they are my validation. When I say they are good, they are GOOD. I believe that I know 98% of their foibles, and can say without reservation, it's my pleasure to be their mother.

oatmeal

It seems to be the only thing that she eats all of easily. Breakfast is the one meal that goes well. Last night I could only get her to eat 2 bites of chicken. One bite that was "normal", meaning what you and I would eat. It took 7 minutes for her to finish chewing. The next bite I shredded, thinking that would aid in the chewing process. It didn't. The was the last bite of the night. She is loosing weight and I don't know how to "get" her to eat. Why is breakfast easier. Why does she only open her mouth big enough for a straw to get in. And that only sometimes. The other times, it is kissing the spoon, or something like that. Even a straw can't make it in at the time.

It's laxative day today. I hope she is moved, all puns intended.

Hospice

they came by, but it was determined that she isn't quite there. They will be back in a month. We'll see then. I wish I could weigh her, i'm sure her weight loss would be significant enough that they would take her on. I am now giving her the slimfast thing, thanks again Roz, and with regular milk has enough calories that it's a meal for her. That's if she doesn't kiss the straw. The girl that came by was really nice. I hope that she is able to receive this service soon. For me AND her. I am trying so hard to make sure that she doesn't get one of "those" sores. Having help I know that I will be able to do a better job.

This morning she didn't make so many sounds when I had to rotate her. Maybe I'm doing better with her.

I am grieving less and counting my blessings more. No matter what life has brought, dumped on me, or I have screwed up, I am in charge of my future. I wish that my mother had known this simple but difficult lesson. I am in charge of my happiness, otherwise I could say, Bitter, party of one.