one of the many hardest things

the waking her up to change her position, I hate it. Yes it's physically challenging sometimes, but it's the knowing that she is so stiff and I have to move her. She moans. I know she feels the stiffness, like when we get out of bed quickly after a deep sleep, we take a little time to stretch. I have to make the decision on what the next position would be. I wish that I could know how to make her comfy.

the tears came today

for the first time on this part of the journey, I cried. While the tears are cleansing, I have always thought of them as a sign of weakness. This is what I have been taught, all my life. Although they have come so easy the last 15 years or so, they are from a different place.

I think it was yesterday that she had a really creepy smile, this followed a deep laugh that was scary. I thought that it was a first, at least the laugh part, but talking to my sister, it has always been there. The smile is something I knew. It's the kind that tells you that she knows something that you don't AND she won't tell you. It's as if that's the only time she has control. When or if she will give you the information, she keeps in sacred. I cannot understand what she feels, I never have, not really sure that anyone has. I don't know why her parents brought her up the way they did, but, they did. I mourn for your childhood. I mourn for mine.

I pray that I am able to help her in this last journey, care for her. Make her comfortable.

I have chosen to be here, otherwise I could say, bitter, party of one.